i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Drunk is not a location!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
