You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
