Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
