Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
