Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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