I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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