god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
