I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
