My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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