This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
