You're my little dorito
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
