i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
