u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
