I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I supernannyed him into submission
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
