your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
