3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
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