so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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