Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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