but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
