I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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