how can u be prego again
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
