i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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