If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
