I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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