your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
