Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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