I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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