Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize