dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
