Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
