I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
