4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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