It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
