I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
