this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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