My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
