Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
