you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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