Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
