From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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