Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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