I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
