if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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