I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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