you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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