Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
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I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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