Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
