he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
