I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
