Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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