i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
