why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
this boner is exhausting
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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