i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
