The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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