I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
