i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
