there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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