Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
