you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
