update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
