Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
